How To Spot Your Projections On Others

Good Lord I have been stressed out lately.

The litany of to-do’s seems daunting, unappealing, never ending.

Even the exciting stress I get from taking on a new challenge, is still, at the end of the day, stress.

More often than not I find myself disappointed as I roll into my driveway after a long day. Disappointed with myself, of course, because how hard is it do drink a few glasses of water in a day? Something I am typically keen on, but lately, it feels that I can not even accomplish that.

There’s this curious habit I have when I am persistently in a stress state.

I seem to manifest this part of my ego that typically is used constructively, for deconstructive purposes. That is, abruptly informing people around me about “hacks” or things they could be doing better.

I rationalize my unsolicited criticism by telling myself that I truly am helping that person with sound and tested advice.

And damn it feels good.

They say that misery loves company.

Well, this brand of misery would like you to be as productive, and as not productive as I am.

Weird I know. It’s my reverse sour patch method.

Without the sweet part.

Or, covert passive aggression that doesn’t even have to do with the person on the receiving end of my well of “you can be doing this better” advice.

What I am talking about is projection.

By definition projecting means — in regards to the person — to extend outward, beyond oneself. Depending on how one uses it, this could be the most generous sentiment you could offer another person, or it could bring a wave of shame and guilt that many of us already feel regularly.

The scary thing about projecting is that it creeps through our psyche almost unnoticed, like a burglar in the night. Or dust settling, little by little, it gathers, and the bigger it gets the more “accurate” it seems.

I would say that most days I probably say one or two things to people that I actually need to be saying to myself. I don’t know what it is about the act of pointing out others’ areas of improvement that somehow to help me feel somehow more put together.

The bare and honest truth is that projecting can come across in various forms, and if we are not akin to self-reflection we may never catch it.

I know this to be especially true in our close relationships with friends, family, and partners. Isn’t it easier to point out their flaw instead of acknowledging our own? Doesn’t it feel good to get a nice ego stroke in while also making yourself believe that what you are saying is helping them?

It’s one of the lies we tell ourselves when we deny that feeling in our gut that subtly guides us.

People may project in a multitude of ways, but how do you spot it?

Typically, you can tell that something you said is a projection if you don’t actually feel that way about that person, place, time, etc.

I love teaching people and I truly feel that I have something to offer others in my perspective. However, there is a time and place to give advice or opinions.

I was talking to my girlfriend a couple weeks ago about a potential Summer trip. It’s one of my favorite kinds of conversations, ones about adventuring with her. But then, out of no where it seemed, I told her, “You could probably make this trip a reality if you would start prioritizing your spending habits.”

Not bad advice. But it was unnecessary.

Mostly because she’s actually better with money than I am. Kanye said once, “I’d rather buy 80 gold chains and go ignaent (or ignorant).” Actually though, I probably would without her.

So, this is a classic example of the projection paradox. I projected disdain of her imaginary spending pitfalls when in reality, it was disdain for my own.

There has been a significant cognitive dissonance between your feelings about yourself and your actions.

My inner critic is alive and well (she says hi, btw). On a typical day, she critique’s my actions, my sayings, and my effort, but the inner rational side of me speaks back with a justification for everything.

The back and forth sometimes leaves me in the familiar place of dissonance. If I am not where I want to be emotionally, physically, academically, for long enough this divide manifests into aggression…passively of course.

And it’s best friend, projection.

The remedy, I’ve found, is unifying your thoughts with your actions. The bigger the crevasse between this dichotomy, the more apt you’ll feel to project all the thoughts and feelings that dwell inside.

Do what you can to bridge this gap. Medium is literally filled with hacks and tips on just about everything to give you those tools. It’s at least a good place to start.

You can spot projection when the satiating feeling dulls and a wave of guilt passes over.

I find this to be especially true for me. After a projection episode, I feel qualified and justified; I feel large in stature, and well-meaning.

Shortly after these pleasantries rushes in a wave of guilt. All of a sudden I feel bad about having said or done something. I’ll frequently use the phrase, “I don’t know why I did that” in confusion.

You can spot that you are projecting your own thoughts and feelings on someone if you feel bad about it afterwards because that gut feeling always knows when your wrong.

Your conscious, your soul, your heart; in this sense I use these terms synonymously because they are universally known for guiding a person.

Beware of brushing that guilty feeling off and justifying the projection. The elusiveness of gut feelings are truly mystical. If you ignore it, it wont waste it’s time begging you for attention, it will simply just vanish, quietly.

And once it does, you run the risk of obliging to the ego yet again. Justifying all actions good, bad, and unnecessary.

I came to this “aha” moment this morning when I realized I did it again last night with my girlfriend.

Like I said, I’m stressed.

I’m so glad she puts up with me.

It’s my go to defense mechanism against myself, and that sounds strange to even say. However, actively reflecting on my thoughts, actions, and words I say prevents me from using this armor so frequently.

To be in-tune with yourself will leave little reason to project anything but positive vibes.

My hope is that with every little subtle projecting comment I learn more about what I am actually feeling. I do appreciate that on some level, my mind is so fed up with these negative thoughts that it purges them out. Albeit in an unhealthy manner to any poor bystander that happens to be in the vicinity, it usually is spot on.

There’s a backwards sort of clarity in projecting, if you can decipher it.

Thanks for reading!

P.S. I promise I’m a nice girlfriend and drink the recommended amount of water (most days). My next post will be about all the wonderful things I do ;) Not really. But you get it.